Keeping Your Own Identity
By Debbi Miller Gutierrez So many people lose themselves in parenting day in and day out, they start to feel that parenthood is the only role they are capable of filling. Making time for yourself is imperative, even if it feels selfish or uncaring. Only by making sure you spend quality time on yourself can you build a stronger family and keep your marriage fresh and vibrant. You can accomplish this by creating your own personal space, making time for your wants and needs, and pursuing your own interests. Here are some specific reasons why focusing on yourself is so important.

You’ll have something to talk about.

One of the quickest ways to drain the life out of your marriage is to become boring to your partner. By having your own interests, you will always have something fascinating to talk about.

You can introduce your entire family to new things.

How many families get stuck in a rut, doing the same things day after day, perhaps always defaulting to the television for entertainment? If you pursue your own interests, your spouse and children will be presented with more options. For example, if you take up a sport like volleyball to meet new people and get fit, your children may catch your enthusiasm and take up a sporting activity as well.

You won’t be pigeonholed.

So many adults put themselves in to the role of father or mother, breadwinner or homemaker, and forget that they have many other facets to their personality. This “pigeon-holing” effect can be far-reaching, even causing lowered self-confidence, depression, and a decreased sex drive. If all you ever see yourself as is parent, spouse, or earner, how can you feel unique, vital, or sexy?

You must invest in your future.

You never know what the future will bring—separation, divorce, children growing up and moving away, a loss of one sort or another—or perhaps, you or your spouse will become fantastically successful or devastatingly driven to failure. Any stress—good or bad—can weaken or even break up a family. If you ever find yourself alone, having taken the time to strengthen your own identity and establish outside friendships through mutual interests will help you weather the storm.

You need to recharge your batteries.

Everyone needs time to recharge. You are no good to anyone if you are constantly worn out, burnt out, psyched out, and left out. You need to take time to rejuvenate yourself, not only your body, but your mind, your dreams, your passions, and your soul. Only a fully energized parent can keep up with their children; only an invigorated spouse can stimulate and satisfy their partner.

Here are a few ways to accomplish these goals.

Create your own personal space.

Have a hideaway area to which you can escape from time to time. A workshop in the garage, a potting shed in the garden, a sewing corner, a crafting table, a music studio—all these spaces can give you a peaceful place to call your own. Even a chaise lounge in the sunshine that is designated as yours and yours alone can help you define a small corner of the world as uniquely yours.

Have a scheduled downtime.

Most adults these days don’t get enough sleep. Some simple ways to rejuvenate yourself are to take a nap each afternoon, meditate, or do some other relaxation activity, such as yoga. Even a few moments each day of simple deep breathing exercises can help you emerge more alert and cheerful, ready to face the challenges of marriage and parenting once again.

Reward yourself from time to time

Take a day once in a while and go to a spa. Pamper yourself with long bubble baths or a vigorous swim in the pool. Have a fishing weekend alone or with friends. Take a road trip with a friend you haven’t connected with in a long while. Routinely reward all your hard work as a parent or spouse with activities that you enjoy. Too many adults go out of their way to make their spouse or children feel appreciated and validated and neglect their own needs.
Seek out new experiences.

Try something completely out of your usual field of experience. If you generally stay at home knitting or gardening, think about taking a skydiving lesson or learning to salsa. Look at your community education offerings. Taking a class in sculpture, photography, or songwriting may highlight talents you never knew you possessed. Joining an excursion group targeted toward stay-at-home mothers might just open your eyes to opera, theatre, or karaoke.

Turn off the TV, the computer, and your cell phone

Unlike reading, biking, dancing, even working out crossword puzzles, watching TV is a passive experience that has little positive physiological or psychological effect. Modern technology is a benefit in many areas, but doing something active and interactive is the best way to develop your personality and perk up your brain.

Taking care of yourself is essential. Having your own identity will not only infuse your marriage and family with strength and vitality, but will set a good example for your children’s future self-actualization.